I struggle with chronic pain

9:10 pm | |

There, I said it. Right there in the title, something I’ve kept as a secret for years.

Why?

Why wouldn’t I share that?

Because I am constantly on medication for the pain, and I know first hand how it feels to be treated like a drug addict; people are biased and they quickly and prejudicially, will judge and/or stereotype others.

So of course, Abba, wants me to be transparent about THIS. Why? I think it’s because there aren’t many talking about it, yet, even in the church, we have an epidemic of persons using opiates. We also have a national crisis going on with the abuse of them. Suicide and depression are at all time highs and I can understand why as I’m trying to process that I’m likely not going to drive anymore … the rest of my life … unless I am miraculously healed, which I know God can do.

I’ve never thought about what this prognosis would mean because I never believed I’d have it for the rest of my life. I’ve fought and tried to do everything I could to educate myself to do, in order to be the healthiest I can and because of countless traumas to my neck and spine + a dx (diagnosis) of scoliosis, I end up with “chronic pain” in my 50’s?! But through thus entire time and process, I am trusting God to lead us.

After having vertebrae in my neck fused by a surgeon whose response to me asking for the possible negative effects of the surgery was spouting off a number of surgeries he’d done, indicating that all of them were successful procedures and I’d “be riding horses in 7 weeks like new”… Needless to say, I wasn’t.  We made repeated calls seeking help because the procedure hadn’t fixed the pain, like we were promised it would, and both my husband and I were told that the office manager would call us repeatedly. Neither of us received calls.

Life, with daily pain, went on, still believing God was going to heal me and still not considering what life would be like and all the possible changes I would be facing if I wasn’t miraculously healed.

Then came all the traumas, some as close as within 28 days of one another … from unexpected animal deaths on our ranch, to being physically assaulted then arrested for charges that the state later dropped like a hot potato because it was a false arrest, to experiencing first hand the abuse of power within the jail system, to being deeply disappointed by people we thought loved and cared about us. Oh, and we moved the in-laws in and out in addition to surviving a category 5 hurricane that literally dissolved right over the top so us. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.

The opposite of fear is faith.

One of my doctors put it this way, this week, by saying it’s a choice now for my quality of life. If they increase the dosage, the pain will be manageable so that I can do things I’m used to doing and love to do OR I can keep trying to reduce the dosages, and add in everything healthy I can to try to help beat the daily battle I have just to get out of bed. Doc said it was my choice, I was at a cross roads. Either I increase the meds and alleviate the pain I’m experiencing with or struggle with pain and quality of life, recognizing that our bodies develop tolerance to opiates. And I was told by doctors that I have a high pain tolerance. 🤦🏼‍♀️

As I processed what he told me, I for the first time, started thinking about things I shouldn’t be doing on the medications … like driving.

The Bible says that we can make our plans, but God ordains our steps. For a reason that I don’t know or understand presently, God is going to use this for His glory, which is why I have to be obedient to the blogging again.

So,

  • Anyone else out there facing life with chronic pain?
  • Or are you on opiates and have been for years?
  • Have you ever thought about what that’s going to mean for treatment over time?
  • Have you thought about what you’d do if you didn’t have insurance?

I’m trusting God.

Not surprised that the pain has been more to me than I can handle in the past couple of weeks. Today, it took its toll on me and I had to lay down most of the day to rest my body. I have to do a lot of that lately and it’s interesting how God spoke to women (who knew nothing about me personally) in my life to confirm that I’m to rest as needed. 💝 Steve probably enjoyed having me quiet.

It’s been 3 weeks now since I have laid on the floor in the closet, where I have spent more hours than I want to count over the past few years. 🥳🙌🏼💃🏼 (We learn to celebrate life more). The chronic pain contributes to major depressive disorder. In case you don’t know, you have to have depression for over two years in order to receive that dx. I’ve also earned the dx’s of anxiety d/o (disorder), panic d/o, ptsd, and cognitive impairment for such a time as this.

I am trusting God.

I never dreamed at age 54 I’d be battling these things, nor be facing the fact that I’m no longer to be driving a vehicle. I’m shocked, honestly.  Actually, I need to just let myself process the loss (thought I’d be driving until my mid 80’s) and then move on. I definitely don’t want to get stuck in the process, knowing that it’s best to embrace the journey.

I am trusting God.

Welcome to my world and how I deal with chronic pain and mental illness, nearly 16 years of marriage to a man I love more today than I ever thought was even possible, my call to be a Kingdom Artist, and living on a farm with horses, cows, chickens, dogs, cats, fish, and a miniature donkey.

Oh, and I’m also an anti-trafficking victim services specialist. I lead one of the first, anti-trafficking, overcomer-led, victim services community service agencies. I specialize in Art, Equine, and Nature Assisted Therapy and Learning.

I’m going to try to post daily, which is a huge commitment for me as a recovering perfectionist. It’s not going to be perfect, but will be messy, gut feelings induced by a mind that goes 100+ miles a minute (it feels like). I have no idea what God is doing or why He’s allowing this to continue to happen, but I know that I will surrender all for His glory. He’s a good, good, Father and will use it to glorify Himself and for my good. ✌🏻

I am trusting God.

Well, here we go … now I have a few days to catch up … WAIT, that’s a perfectionist’s attitude 😳🤭❌ I’m not going backwards to try to catch up days unless I really think the content is that important. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️👩🏼‍💻

I am trusting God and I’m praying for you to receive the revelation the Lord has for you today, tomorrow, and for all eternity … Truth that sets us free emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Check out the video below, especially the words. 👀👂🏻❣️

Eye of the Storm, Ryan Stevenson (video)

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works [the entirety of things created].

Psalm‬ ‭145:8-9‬ ‭AMPC‬‬

Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercy and loving-kindness; for they have been ever from of old.”

Psalm 25:6 AMPC

And I will strengthen the house of Judah and I will save the house of Joseph [Ephraim]. I will bring them back and cause them to dwell securely, for I have mercy, loving-kindness, and compassion for them. They shall be as though I had not cast them off, for I am the Lord their God, and I will hear them.”

Zechariah 10:6 AMPCP

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV

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