When the pain is severe, the days turn to blurs.
Laying in bed on a heating pad surrounded by my dogs and cats is my daily reality.
I sleep countless hours and while awake try to either listen to the dramatized Bible playing and/or battle the thoughts in my head.
I know the battle is in my head, however it feels like I’m loosing physically as I cycle through sweats and sleep.
As I try to count my blessings, knowing that it is part of the battle, I’m grateful for our beautiful home, all the big windows in the bedroom, the French doors, and the acres and acres of green with horses and cows, including the neighbor’s calves. I’m grateful for the AC we have, but I can’t help but ask God, “Why?”
Why the pain and limitations at such a young age?
Why hasn’t He healed me like I’ve believed He would for the past three years?
Why is He allowing all of this?
I’m grateful for a loving husband, who patiently helps me with what I need and now drives me anywhere I need to go. Nowadays it’s doctor’s appointments. Lots of them.
I received a shot in my bum yesterday that really hurt, but it worked to reduce the pain for at least 24 hours. I’m praying it continues to work for as long as possible.
This morning they drew blood and took urine samples.
I hate needles and am grateful for a husband that looks me dearly in the eyes as I grip His arm anticipating the piercing. It’s never as bad as I think it will be.
Ridiculous actually, the way I overreact, but I have gotten much better over the years since I was traumatized with a botched attempt to put in an IV when I was in twenties. After 17 sticks, I was ready to cancel the surgery. It’s affected me ever since.
I went from being a young girl who confidently would get shots all on my own to an adult woman who struggles with panic and/or anxiety attacks while waiting to be stuck.
That’s how trauma messes with us. It causes something that once was simple and easy to be messy and complicated.
My life feels messy and unkept now, especially when I’m in this part of the cycle … the painful, depressive days and nights. I lose track of time and fall way behind with texts, calls, emails, questions, comments, and life in general.
Then it feels overwhelming.
Overwhelming enough to shut down. Decision making, under pressure, is something of the past for me.
It’s hard to believe I used to make them constantly, regularly putting out fires, fixing this, correcting that, preparing this, and others turned to me for this capability.
Chronic stress, especially years of such, will result in a breakdown, eventually. Our bodies were not designed to endure such.
Sometimes returning a text or phone call is overwhelming to me. And if there is a problem or issue, I simply can’t handle it at times.
I just want to sleep.
I keep hearing the pain doctor saying “quality of life” and that I’m at a cross roads implying that the meds need to be increased or I live life in pain and suffering like I am.
It’s like being between a rock and a hard place.
Our family physician wants me to try the natural medicinal route. Yes, medical marijuana. Steve and those in our inner circle of support are in favor of it because we know the opiates, although they relieve pain, they are killing me.
I’m only 54. Why? Why, God is this my path?
My whole diet has changed. No more sugar. I drink Green Juice and a lot of water, take vitamins, including D, magnesium, hang on a inversion table and spend time daily stretching my entire body in an effort to get my spine and skeletal frame to align itself. And today, I started taking glucosamine. I wear a copper belt and my days of wearing heals have been replaced with therapeutic shoes.All in an effort to help alleviate the pain.
The worst pain is in my lower back and sciatica, and is likely from having scoliosis and a crushed tailbone, from a man I once loved that was later identified as one who exploited and trafficked me. I’ll never forget when it happened. It was the first time he’d hit me and it was hard in the chest with both hands running at me. I fell backwards onto my rear and slid across the floor into the cabinets. I couldn’t get up. After a dramatic police chase that ended in a Burger King parking lot, I finally was in an ER finding out for the first time about domestic abuse. I’d like to say I left him and didn’t allow him back into my life, but it took another 10-12 times to achieve that goal. That was 17 years ago this October.
Now, at 54, I have wounds from the physical, mental, and emotional traumas that are effecting my “quality of life”.
Typically, these cycles last 3-7 days. The longest has been 9 days and every time I’m hopeful it will end sooner than later.
The pain wears you down physically, mentally and emotionally … even spiritually.
Even as hard I push, fight, and press through, it seems it eventually wins, requiring me to rest until I’m able to get up and get moving again.
At least when I sleep and dream, there is no pain.
My art studios are set up for me to walk into and work, but when it’s like this … it’s hard to even do that. I don’t feel very creative.
Ok, well, I told you I’d be real and authentic with you. This is nothing I’m proud of, but it’s my reality. It’s my world now.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and know that even in pain lying here, I am praying the Lord touch you with His mercy and grace. If you’re hurting as well, I pray He bind up those wounds and thank Him that He is drawn to brokenness. Times like this are a season to grow closer to Him. It certainly has taught me to be still and know that He’s God.
And to rest in Him has taken on a new perspective.
I still am hopeful that He’ll heal me in His perfect timing and in the meantime I pray I learn everything he wants me to as I wait for that glorious day.
If you struggle with chronic illness or pain, I’d love to hear from you. We are stronger together and there is something special when our feelings are validated. Though we may try to describe what life is like, no one really knows unless they have experienced it first hand.
Believers, please pray for me, that I not grow weary or give up. Pray I persevere and keep my eyes on Jesus. Thank God for the work He’s doing in me and that He is faithful to complete it. I know it all has a divine purpose, however while I’m in the process of #embracingthejouney His grace is sufficient. I hope that you, too, will #embracetheprocess with our focus set upon our Healer, Redeemer, Restorer, and that Whom our help comes from.
Seriously trying not to overthink … my advice to you, too!