Missionary Dating – Long Lasting Pain

1:55 pm | | Comment 1

One of the most tragic events we see happen today is when a believer has succumbed to the call of the world and returned back to the bondage from which God had rescued them. Many times, this began with a small compromise, that over time was a slow fade that evolves into a slippery slope, leading into a black hole (Jam. 1:14-15). All too often, this compromise is a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t hold the same beliefs and values. Especially when one has been freed from addiction, substance abuse or other life-controlling issues, yielding to sexual temptation can all to easily lead back to alcohol, drugs, depression, etc. When believers choose to date unbelievers it eventually results in lasting pain and sorrow (2 Cor. 6:14). I have yet to meet anyone that met and married as unbelievers that don’t have massive amounts of pain and heartache they deal with, IF they manage to stay married. Most end in divorce, with the rate being no different than that of marriages of non believers.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is a relationship that God chooses, anoints, prepares, and plans to not only bless each participant with the greatest example of His love in this lifetime (Eph. 5:22-28), but also to equip them to be weapons of mass destruction against the schemes of the enemy (1 Pet. 3:7) . A relationship that’s not only a reflection of God’s love for us to the world, but also designed to be a powerhouse couple for the advancement of God’s kingdom.

No wonder the ruler of this world, whose primary objective is to steal, kill, and destroy us (John 10:10), will go to such lengths to make sure this does not happen. For one, he hates us because God loves and cherishes us so much (John 3:16). Second, he does not want God’s kingdom advancing because he wants to take as many of us to spend eternity in hell with him as he possibly can (Matt. 25:41).

Regardless of the hell on earth that unequally yoked relationships typically, inevitably result in, believers continue to engage in them with hopes that somehow theirs will be the exception. With a dream that the unbeliever will become a believer or eventually that the guy will become the spiritual leader men are called to be for women. Oh, I get it and understand it. I convinced myself that if I loved him like Jesus loved the church that eventually he would change. I went as far as begging God to allow the relationship to work … sadly, countless times! It was all a lie from satan and the demons assigned to me that I would fall for hook, line, and sinker, over and over. I knew the Word, yet I still allowed my desperation and vulnerability of desiring to be loved lure me back into compromising relationships that only served to pull me farther away from God and inflict greater depths of pain and suffering.

Most substance use that evolves into abuse starts with believers using in an effort to try to squash their pain and conscience. And sadly, even though the THRILL is usually SHORT-lived, the PAIN and SORROW lasts longer. It affects us deeply and often times we spend much of our time during and after the relationship trying to heal from the self inflicted wounds. If that isn’t bad enough, if you’re in an abusive relationship, there is the often complex trauma that is added to your emotional and mental state of being. The outcome involves anguish, shame, guilt, self hatred, embarrassment, confusion, paranoia, lack of trust, and ultimately, the destruction of your wellbeing.

The Bible addresses the matter pretty directly. It’s not to keep us from enjoyment and love, but to protect us from heartache and long lasting pain. 

Now this is not to imply we aren’t to take the light to the lost, this is about covenant, union, close relationship, friendship, marriage, even business relationships. We become like who we hang around. Bad company eventually corrupts good people (1 Cor. 15:33). We also reap what we sow. It’s a spiritual law. When you sow to your sensuality, you reap the MULTIPLIED harvest of decay, ruin, and destruction (Gal. 6:7-9, Matt. 13:18-33).

Being a counselor and mentor to women for nearly two decades now, this is an area in which so many women (and men) find themselves stumbling. I think the weakness lays in the foundation of our identity, or lack there of, as children of God (1 John 3:1). Couple that in with incidents of, or complex, repeated, trauma that results in lies planted deep inside our identities about who we are in Christ and you have a nearly perfect recipe for deep, long lasting, emotional and mental pain. When we’ve not been raised with a father figure that fulfills their role as God meant them to in our lives, then we end up seeking for the father’s approval through other means, often leaving us vulnerable to accept unhealthy substitutes for it. Satan is slick though, so they don’t typically start off looking unhealthy, destructive and deeply painful. They often look good, say the things you want to hear, have some of your like interests, give you attention, make you feel good about yourself, and evoke those butterfly feelings. After all, they do say it takes 6-9 months after people start dating to truly get to know the REAL person. It’s also referred to as the “honeymoon stage”.

That doesn’t surprise us, for even Satan transforms himself to appear as an angel of light!” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭11:14‬ ‭TPT‬‬

He is pretty good at getting us to engage in conversation with him, hinging on the original question he had Eve pondering in the garden of Eden (Gen 3:4).


It’s a TRAP.

Missionary dating and going into business w/unbelievers are traps to steal, kill and destroy believers. They are designed to distract us from developing our personal relationships w/God, inhibit us from fulfilling our purpose of advancing the His kingdom, and to inflict LONG LASTING PAIN.

“You must love God with ALL your HEART, SOUL, MIND, and STRENGTH’” ‭‭Mark‬ ‭12:30‬ ‭CEV‬‬

How exactly do we become #overcomers and how is it that we are supposed to love others?

1 John 5: 2-5 gives us some pointers. I’ve paraphrased them.

1. Love God, which is evidenced by obedience to the Word
2. True Love = obeying commands
3. Children of God overcome the world by faith = world conquerors
4. Faith = victorious power

“This is how we can be sure that we love the children of God: by having a passionate LOVE for GOD and by OBEDIENCE to His commands. TRUE LOVE for God means OBEYING His commands, and His commands don’t weigh us down as heavy burdens. You see, every child of God overcomes the world, for our FAITH is the VICTORIOUS POWER that triumphs over the world. So who are the world conquerors, defeating its power? Those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 John‬ ‭5:2-5‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Why not wait for God’s choice versus your choice? Trust God for His perfect timing and that it will to come to pass in your life (Ps. 37:4). When we don’t trust God, that results in rebellion, pride, and ultimately long lasting pain.

God’s plan for your mate will be exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond what you’ve ever dreamed or imagined (Eph. 3:20). How do I know? Because when I was in the place in my walk with God that I was fully content with Jesus being my husband (Isa. 54:5), that’s when I met Steve. Matter of fact, I was so content with not re-marrying that it took weeks and a series of confirmations beyond a shadow of doubt to verify that he truly was the one God spoke to me and said, “he’s the one, I chose him, anointed and prepared him to be your mate, but you must let him lead”. I’ll tell you about that in another blog.

3 months and 3 weeks later, on August 23rd, 2003 we were married in a dream come true wedding that was completely paid for. We celebrate 15 years this year. It’s not been easy by any means, but he has truly been Jesus in the flesh to me and when we’re both focused on Him, we grow closer and closer to to God and to one another. He married a mess 15 years ago, but a mess that LOVED Jesus and the Word of God. It was God’s grace and the Spirit of God in Steve that empowered him to love me as God destined and planned him to.

“Someone might be able to beat up one of you, but not both of you. As the saying goes, “A rope made from three strands of cord is hard to break.”” Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭CEV‬‬

We’ve never been closer than we are today, and we keep growing closer as long as our focus is on Jesus and the Word. It’s my heart’s desire that YOU also experience the love of the Father (1 John 4:7-8), the love of your husband Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:39), the love of your heavenly lover by and through the power of the Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:15-16), and also then in the chosen relationship God has for you. If God did it for me, He will do it for you. He doesn’t play favorites (Acts 10:34).

And if you’re wondering why you haven’t meant that person yet, well, chances are you aren’t ready, nor are they. #EmbracetheJourney of preparation keeping your focus where it needs to be (Heb. 12:2, Matt. 6:33) and you’ll likely be surprised how suddenly it might just happen.

Love & praying for you,

For daily inspiration on healing and #4FREEdom, meet up with me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and YouVersion. I’d love to hear from you and for you to join my tribe and community!  xoxoxo


  1. Sandra Koch says:

    Great testimony about the power of Jesus in our lives! Congratulations and thanks for talking about this Julie!

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